It hurts, okay.
Something I’ve never done is wear my heart on my sleeve and I can honestly say that it’s been the hardest decision I’ve ever made recently. I’m terrible at expressing myself. I’m not emotional, I’m a very detached girlfriend but I’m an excellent friend, I feel less things than maybe regular people may feel, I’m not great at communicating things until I get to my breaking point, I feel a constant desire to move forward, I’m not a team player but instead a team leader, and I don’t have much compassion for majority of people’s problems that have simple solutions. It’s been trial and error for me the past few weeks to allow myself to feel generally exposed to weakness or what I consider weakness. Weakness to me is emotion.
I hate dating. I hate talking about myself. I hate allowing anyone into my comfortable circle. I hate that I trust people too easily. I hate that I let others opinions of me penetrate. I hate that I can’t fall in love without questioning if I’m being wreck less. I hate that I have hurt people I really care about because I didn’t want them to care for me the same way. I’ve made a lot of poor choices and I’ve made a lot of great ones but to be honest… Most of my poor choices have related to relationships and the great choices related to work and my career. I love my family as much as I complain about them. I wish I was better at tolerating my mothers personality. I wish I could treat my personal life like I can my business life.
I’m getting anxiety about what an awful shit show this run on paragraph is.
I wish people could understand that when I love someone or something that I love them forever. It’s a big deal, for me at least. It never goes away… I could hate someone for hurting me or doing something awful just to spite me but deep down… If I loved a person once- there was a reason and it will never go away. No matter how much I claim to or THINK I hate them. It stays. Untouched on the back of a shelf in my mind forever.
I’m human at the end of the day.
I admit I’ve been a truly fucked up human being in my past but I’m edging 30 in a few years and it’s become an entire different outlook for me. Most things don’t matter to me like they used to, thank fucking god.
I’ve learned to appreciate people who can tell me their feelings and communicate their problems in order to work them out. I can’t dance around peoples passive agro pushing and pulling. I will treat anyone who respects me with the exact amount of respect back.
This blog is for me this time. This blog is not for other people. The reasons I deleted this blog are vast but mostly because this is going to be my personal map. I found my friends and am still finding them slowly again letting them know I started over. I’m not looking for publicity or recognition, I don’t want that. I think that took me down after awhile and that’s not what this is about. I also didn’t want to see hate from exes or fakeness between others anymore. I want to get along with everyone but keep my circle tight.
I’m thankful for the friends I’ve made here, many who are involved in my personal life outside of this website. I adore you all. To the people whom have tried to or are trying to hurt me just know that I have indeed been hurt, I still hurt, but I can only be down so long. I genuinely care about people, including those I may dislike or that dislike me, so either get some courage to talk to me about your issues or let them go. I’m a believer in communication and second chances, if you’re true. Though to blatantly post hurtful things in order to eat away at me, it says more of you than it does of me.
Hopefully this will make sense despite the awful grammar, punctuation, and layout. Whatever. It’s feelings, I can’t control how they come out or what they look like. This is about me finally being true to myself, and openly so.
Now show me some gifs of puppies and people getting hurt, I’ve missed them. Or maybe help me with a theme because I haven’t had to do that shit for like 4 years.
Not yet. But almost.
Back soon with a vengeance.